Group X - Behind the Scenes!

So you've just walked into your favorite fitness facility on planet earth (PUMPS?) and you find out they are once again modifying their Group X schedule. They just changed it like 2 months ago and you were just getting comfortable with the new schedule and now this. You're thinking, "What's with these people and why, all of sudden, all these changes"? PUMPS, along with every other fabulous fitness facility that offers classes (though ours are unquestionably thee most fabulous) spends an extraordinary amount of effort and resources on our Group X program. We receive numerous inquiries (inquiries would be defined as suggestions, questions, complaints, threats, insults etc.) regarding our Group X program as it is unquestionably the #1 topic in terms of evoking passion from our members. As legend has it, and it does have it correctly, PUMPS members are wildly passionate about their Group X! Though at times it may seem as though our schedule is changed indiscriminately there actually is a method to our madness. So if you've always wondered or questioned why we do what we do, and think you have the answers, then we invite you to take the PUMPS "Group X - IQ Test" and see how you score. The questions contained in this test are questions we actually receive from our members on a regular basis.

*All questions are multiple choice and contain only one correct answer. Should you have no idea what multiple choice means, we would suggest you google the term to save yourself some aggravation and frustration.

1. The primary reason why PUMPS would change something/anything about an existing class would be due to the following reason:
  1. Our mission is to irritate and aggravate as many members as possible as we seem to get a big kick out of this.
  2. We want our beloved Group X director to get flooded with e mails just so we can see how many "suggestions" she can actually handle.
  3. Because economic conditions are so favorable, we simply enjoy dribbling away as much money as possible at Staples printing new schedules.
  4. Either continuous low class participation, an issue with the current instructor or the need to move a more popular class into the time slot.
2. Why doesn't PUMPS just simply build more studios and have classes all day long?
  1. We would have to triple or quadruple everyone's monthly dues to cover the overhead associated with those costs and we know how big that would go over.
  2. Space devoted to other amenities would have to shrink in size thus causing other "issues".
  3. Often times building codes can make modifying an existing space prohibitive.
  4. All of the above.
3. Everyone I talk to loves "fill in the blank" class taught by "fill in her name" yet they changed the instructor. She was so popular and now she's gone. Why did they do that to her, and to us?
  1. Chances are she was a spy and was trying to infiltrate PUMPS and destroy our culture.
  2. She may have failed our strict PED test (Performance Enhancing Drugs) thus automatically making her ineligible to teach here.
  3. We may have traded her to an express club for one of those cute little trampolines.
  4. Though "everyone" loved her, her numbers may have been low, she may have moved away, possibly had a medical issue, requested some time off from teaching or maybe was a "night mare" from a business/team perspective. Sometimes there is more than what meets the eye!
4. How long does the club evaluate a class before they deem it necessary to change something with it?
  1. Whenever we get bored and have time to fill. We really do it on a whim or when we feel the need to stir up some excitement (in a negative way of course).
  2. We try to make it a point to review the schedule whenever there is a change in the White House. I believe we did miss one during the Watergate era.
  3. We analyze it the moment we receive our first member "issue".
  4. We actually review and analyze the entire schedule on a weekly basis. There are many variables that determine the lifespan of a particular class.
5. What is the single most important factor that determines whether or not something is changed regarding a class?
  1. When we feel we need more Staples Rewards points, we simply make some random changes and print up more schedules.
  2. We ask our instructors who could use some additional money and we just take classes away from the wealthier instructors and give them to those less fortunate. We are much like Robin Hood in that respect.
  3. The time of year. We prefer to put high energy classes in during the winter so the bodies will heat the studio and low energy classes in during the summer so less AC is needed. It's our way of contributing to the whole "Green" thing.
  4. Class attendance. The numbers don't lie.
6. Who essentially has the final say or determines how the schedule is presented?
  1. The PUMPS Group X director.
  2. The middle aged guy with the slicked back hair and beard. (Is he aware the 80's are over?)
  3. The Wakefield Board of Selectman
  4. The members. The Group X director along with the dude from the 80's merely analyze the data (class participation) which is essentially the feedback from our members.
7. Why doesn't PUMPS ticket every popular class to ensure the studio does not get overcrowded?
  1. Our front desk customer service staff would never go for it because their union would not allow it. Too much stress involved.
  2. We have enough problems with counterfeit Spinning passes (they're a hot item on the black market) so we can't even imagine what would go on with Zumba, Chisel or Drums Alive passes!
  3. There would be too many women lining up out in front of the club. The public would think there was a new i Phone release, celebrity funeral or Lady Gaga concert here and we'd have major security concerns.
  4. Certain classes, like Spinning are controlled by the amount of cycles available to members. Monitoring 45 - 50 passes for a Zumba class, though at times necessary, would be as easy as monitoring the border between the US and Mexico.
8. Why is PUMPS so strict about not allowing members entering late into class after the instructor has finished the warm up?
  1. It's just another way to irritate our members under the guise of pretending we care about their well being.
  2. Our instructors are on a real power trip and this is another means of proving who the alpha woman is in the studio.
  3. It's just our way of saying "thank you".
  4. Every single fitness organization and certification in the country agrees on one thing: exercise participants should engage in a structured warm up prior to exercising. Yes, believe it or not, it is enforced in our member's best interest!
9. What is the most effective way for me to voice my opinion regarding everything that is Group X related? I periodically have questions, concerns and suggestions and would like for the proper people to see them.
  1. Stuff a wad of cash in an envelope addressed "owner" and it's a good bet your voice will be heard.
  2. Just yell at whoever happens to be at or near the front desk on your way out. It's a very effective way of communicating and getting your point passed on to the proper people.
  3. Sky writing seems to be making a comeback as the cost of fuel has declined over the past couple of years.
  4. Send an email via this web site and we guarantee it is reviewed and responded to if requested. And believe it or not...we do appreciate and benefit from your feedback!
10. What exactly is it that makes the Group X program at PUMPS so incredible?
  1. The energy, enthusiasm and professionalism of the instructors makes all the members feel welcome regardless of fitness level or experience. They love the culture of PUMPS and it translates in to positive energy in the studios.
  2. The fact that the club is all women lends itself to a care free, come as you are, unintimidating environment. Girls can be girls (especially when they just want to have fun)!
  3. They spend an incredible amount of time and energy monitoring the program to ensure member satisfaction. This silly "Group X IQ Test" is evidence that they take their programming seriously! Who else does stuff like this?
  4. You guessed it - all of the above.

Congratulations, you made it through the PUMPS "Group X - IQ Test". Historically the only test that is widely considered as difficult and challenging as this is perhaps the California Bar Exam. Ironically, many of our members that have passed this exam have gone on to study law on the west coast. PUMPS is like a breeding ground for up and coming lawyers. Anyways, now it's time to score yourself.

  • If you guessed "D" on all 10 questions you scored 100%! You know everything there is to know about Group X and you are qualified to take our jobs. In fact, you can have our jobs and all the stress, aggravation, long hours, crap and bills that go with it. Best of luck to you.
  • If you scored 90%, you could consider yourself a sharp young woman who knows her way around the Group X studios. We're not saying you are a woman that gets around, one that just knows her way around the studios.
  • If you scored 80%, you do know enough to do some Group X "trash talkin'". Just remember your limitations as there are those that scored a great deal higher than you.
  • If you scored a passable 70% (yawn) you would be wise to limit your Group X reflections and insights to those who might be considered novices or better yet, wannabes.
  • For those that scored under 70% we suggest you attempt to reinstate your membership back at your old express club where you won't be subjected to thought provoking and stimulating quizzes such as these.